It's been several weeks - too many - since Momma's written a letter. There has been so much going on...but there is no excuse <sigh>. Just lots of emotion that Momma hasn't known how to channel because so much of what is happening has been misdirected towards your death due to a situation with one family member. A family member who is taking your death and making it the root of many personal issues.
And I'm just not "OK" with someone else (or many someone else's) trying to take ownership of this grief journey. Of assuming that Momma can continue to be the strong shoulders. Of bastardizing the amazing impact of your Peanut Effect. And the decision Dadda and Momma made to honor you though joy, love, light, laughter and beauty.
I am angry.
There. I said it.
It's been close to 3.5 years since you died. I am now being forced to relive the raw emotion of the first months after your death due to this situation. But...so much has changed. We have the ever growing Pickle, and he is amazing, hilarious and challenging. We've opened a restaurant. We have moved once and are now about to move into our "dream home." A home you never set foot in, but I know you will inhabit in spirit.
With all these changes, I worry sometimes. Would you know me today?
Momma listened to Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven" this evening and came to this conclusion:
I think - no, I know - you are by my side, on my should and in every fiber of my being every step, every moment, every day. You are my heart and my inner-voice. You are why I have the strong shoulders.
Peanut, you are my touchstone. I love you, sweet boy with the ocean deep blue eyes...to the moon - and back!