Summoning Butterflies

Peanut -

This afternoon Momma was enjoying a warm summer day, browsing Facebook on the porch during a brief thunderstorm, when life without you hit me over the head.  Several friends posted pictures of their kids who are the same age you would be - children playing baseball this summer, participating on swim teams and riding bicycles.  All things you would - should - be doing.

The reality that your classmates will be starting kindergarten in the fall also sunk in today.  A major milestone you will never realize.  A reality that will only loom larger as the new school year creeps up on us.

And in the midst of these terrifying moments, a lovely white butterfly emerged.  It flitted across our yard, over trees and winding around bird feeders.  Every time I thought of you, it landed on the bird feeder next to my chair.

I hear you.  I see you.  I know...we will get through these milestones, these ongoing heartaches.

How?  Because you are still with us, watching over us.

Earlier this week Momma was asked to share the one question I ask myself every day.  That would have been a tough question a few years ago.  But not now.

What is the question?

How do I live a life that honors you every moment of every day?

Peanut, thank you for sending butterflies to greet Momma today.  I love and miss you so very much.  To the moon - and back!

- Momma

Would You Know My Name?

Peanut -

It's been several weeks - too many - since Momma's written a letter.  There has been so much going on...but there is no excuse <sigh>.  Just lots of emotion that Momma hasn't known how to channel because so much of what is happening has been misdirected towards your death due to a situation with one family member.  A family member who is taking your death and making it the root of many personal issues.  

And I'm just not "OK" with someone else (or many someone else's) trying to take ownership of this grief journey.  Of assuming that Momma can continue to be the strong shoulders.  Of bastardizing the amazing impact of your Peanut Effect.  And the decision Dadda and Momma made to honor you though joy, love, light, laughter and beauty.

I am angry.

There.  I said it.  

It's been close to 3.5 years since you died.  I am now being forced to relive the raw emotion of the first months after your death due to this situation.  But...so much has changed.  We have the ever growing Pickle, and he is amazing, hilarious and challenging.  We've opened a restaurant.  We have moved once and are now about to move into our "dream home."  A home you never set foot in, but I know you will inhabit in spirit.  

With all these changes, I worry sometimes.  Would you know me today?  

Momma listened to Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven" this evening and came to this conclusion:

I think - no, I know - you are by my side, on my should and in every fiber of my being every step, every moment, every day.  You are my heart and my inner-voice.  You are why I have the strong shoulders.

Peanut, you are my touchstone.  I love you, sweet boy with the ocean deep blue eyes...to the moon - and back!

- Momma