Wednesday, September 4, 2013

September Blues

Peanut -

It is September.  Your month.  The month that welcomed you into the world, full of so much promise, hope and joy back in 2009.  This month ushers in a new season - Fall - and with it all the delightful memories we have of falling leaves, cooler weather, Halloween, shorter days, Thanksgiving, and visits to Santa that we shared with you for two Fall seasons.

You will never get to enjoy these events again.

But...we are still here.

Your brother has brought us a new sense of purpose and happiness that allows Momma to look forward to the holidays and transitions, but still...a dark cloak of melancholy has settled over Momma since returning from Big Cedar.  My joy is found during moments with The Pickle.  And I wonder...will this pass?

Momma can't stop thinking about the days leading up to your early birth.  I knew you were coming early.  I could feel it.  The anticipation, the wonder and anxiety was overwhelming.  Never was there a sense of concern or fear like I've had to face with your little brother.  

And we never were given a reason to worry until the day you didn't wake up.  You were always so wise, calm and strong.  You were Momma's little soulmate and love bug who didn't fuss, belly-laughed without hesitation, and happily doled out super-tight neck hugs.  And so very, very smart.  

Peanut, you should still be here.  Why you were taken so early - too early - is such a mystery.  I miss you every moment of every day.  But today that emotion is very, very heavy on Momma's shoulders.  So much so that I fear it will weigh me down.  

I know this will be "September" for the rest of my years on earth.  Does that knowledge help?  Hmmmmm...I don't know.  Maybe I can prepare for it.  Try to ignore it.  Compartmentalize it.  Or, maybe I should just ride this wave as another step in the grieving process.  For now, I choose to do the latter.  

Missing you.  Loving you.  To the moon - and back!

- Momma

August 31, 2009 - Momma is a giant 9 months pregnant with Peanut, and 12 short days away from delivery.

No comments:

Post a Comment