Thursday, December 20, 2012

Hanging On To Hope

Peanut -

Momma has been simply unable to post any letters since Friday, December 14...a day that never should have happened.  A day when the unthinkable became reality.  The day 20 new angels joined you in Children's Heaven in a horrific, violent, tragic series of events.  The day that re-opened wounds in the hearts of other bereaved parents across the world.  Parents who thought they were healing. Parents like your Momma.

In a moment Momma was brought back to January 26, 2011.  The beginning of our journey.  The utter un-reality of your loss.  The required motions of memorial service plans and questions - how should the obituary read, flowers or charitable donations, bury or cremate, sermon or none, songs or prayers, ask people to speak or just the minister?  All while coming home to a house that was empty.  Hollow.  Too quiet.  Life had lost all meaning and Momma was answering questions that seemed senseless.  Pointless.

It's hard to imagine what the families in Connecticut are experiencing.  Their loss is so violent.  So public.  And it involves whole groups of families...Momma can only hope they are able to support each other over the upcoming days, months and years.  But, well, they are probably sill in the place of surviving minute by minute, hour by hour.

After drying our tears last weekend, Momma and Dadda hosted the 2nd Annual Peanut Tree Open House.  We had over 40 family and friends join us to decorate your special tree with ornaments and stories about you....remembrances we will relive each year and share with your brother.  These are the events that help keep your spirit alive and now make Momma smile.  Peanut, your tree is...beautiful.  Breathtaking.  Perfect.

Yet just when we think we're feeling better - wait!  There's more!

Yesterday, while Momma was goofing around with the Pickle after a full day at daycare he was overcome by a terrifying 2-minute coughing fit.  At one point he looked at Momma with "panic eyes" which triggered the need to get him in to the doctor today.  And now?  He has a confirmed case of RSV.



Peanut, you were very sick over the Christmas holiday of 2010.  Are we reliving history?  Is there some obscure lesson buried within these events?

Peanut, despite all of this Momma is hopeful.  Looking for - and finding - joy in each day.  I will not give in, I will not give up.  I will live each day for you.

Tonight I share a picture of your 2012 Peanut Tree as a beacon of light for those who need it...I hope they might find strength and love within it.  I hope they can feel the love contained within your tree.  How much love? the moon - and back silly!

- Momma

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