Your birthday is coming up on Friday of this week. This has proven to be a particularly difficult birthday for Momma for a number of reasons.
First, Momma simply cannot envision what you should be doing at age 5. The things - activities, words, phrases, opinions - I thought would wait until 5 have emerged at 2.5 with your little brother, so I am clearly way out of my depth.
Second, an extremely close family member seemingly forgot your birthday was this week. When I was asked "what do you have going on this weekend?" Momma responded, "Peanut's birthday is Friday so we're pausing, remembering, and celebrating." The response? "Ohhhhh....yes.....that's this week....<big sigh>" Should Momma be upset? Maybe. But this is the shape of the future. Momma and Dadda will always remember but can we expect others to do the same?
To that end, last night Momma and Dadda made a pledge. We will always talk about you. We will share our story and help others realize that grief isn't so scary when shared with joy. That I love talking about you, my amazing, adorable first son.
Coincidentally (I think not), the Zac Brown Band is playing in St. Louis on Friday night, September 12. Your birthday. The guys responsible for "Chicken Fried" - which you learned and loved at school - are playing on your birthday. Thanks to Dadda we have tickets! So, Momma and Dadda will be bopping up and down to your music as we celebrate the life, love, smiles, hugs, grins, and butterfly kisses that are you.
Peanut, I'm sure there will be more posts this week than usual (lately). The grief is heavy in my heart and this blog helps Momma lift that weight.
Peanut, I love you so very much. I know you are with us, every moment of every day. And, I hope you are proud. I love you sweet, darling boy with the deep, blue eyes and feather-long eyelashes. Mmmmmmmwwwwwwaaaahhhhh!