Momma watched a movie with you last night. We didn't share a bowl of popcorn or snuggle under a blanket together but we definitely shared the experience. I felt you on my shoulder, in my head and heart the entire time. Momma surrendered to a full body cry session...that hasn't happened in a while. And it felt wonderful.
In the months right after you passed away, Momma heard about a (fictional) movie called Rabbit Hole. A movie, based on a play, that chronicles the first few years of a married couple's life after their 4 year old son dies unexpectedly. (Spoiler Alert: car + dog = son's death) The Universe protected me from this movie for 3 years and waited until I was ready to truly watch and absorb the story in its entirety. So, it snuck up and caught me while randomly flipping channels last night. In less than 60 seconds I was riveted. While the circumstances in our stories differ, the emotions and impacts are all too familiar. However, this is how Momma sees all grief journeys...different, but the same.
When this movie was released there were interviews with the cast and crew that revealed how difficult this movie was to shoot. Grief support groups wouldn't allow them in to observe - that would violate the fundamental purpose of the group. And if you aren't a part of "the club" no one will truly confide in you. So...how do you shoot a realistic movie?
I will simply say this. They did. Peanut, this movie was so hard, so wonderful, so impactful to watch. It reopened wounds I thought my heart had patched with scars. It reawakened my need to get in touch with this grief journey. It reconnected me to you and this life-long journey I will take with you in my heart.
Peanut, I miss the way you would look at me with your ice blue peepers and try to absorb my eyes, thoughts and emotions while you cupped my face in your palms. I miss your expressive hands and the way you would lace our fingers together. I miss our eyelash butterfly kisses and nose nuggles. I miss the whisper softness of your blonde curls. I miss your warm breath and the smell of lavender nighttime bath lotion on your skin.
I miss you.
Peanut, I love you so very much. You are still very much here and alive in Momma's heart. I love you, to the moon - and back!