Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Gift of Appreciation

Peanut -

As we prepare to turn the page on another year, Momma can't help but be reflective.  To think back on this same time in 2010 and early 2011.  The memories of that holiday season are warm and beautiful.  You were growing into this funny, musical, spirited little man and had finally mastered the art of walking - yay!

Momma thought we were on top of the world.  Invincible.  In a bout of optimism I even sent out New Year's cards with a picture of you and your big, toothy smile.  How could I have ever guessed we were going to be contacting the recipients of those cards, our friends and family, just three weeks later to inform them of your sudden, unexplained death?  That the next cards Momma would send out with your picture would be our grief stricken thank you notes for all the flowers, letters and cards we received in the wake of your passing.

Yes, in late 2010 the first weeks of 2011 Momma was riding high.  A little too high.  Because I can remember well how terribly unappreciative I was for all our blessings.  How even as I looked around and marveled at our good fortune, I still wanted more.  Rather than bask in the small moments - you enjoying my turkey meatballs and caramelized french toast sticks, patting Zeke the cat on his head and exclaiming, "Hiiiiii kitten-kah!"when he entered the room, or sitting on the couch next to me and leaning in to give butterfly kisses - I was busy working too much, giving Dadda a hard time about stupid, trivial things, going out with friends, and simply not being present.  In the moment.

In these almost three years we've been without you physically on earth, Momma's scarred heart has embraced the gift we suffered so terribly to realize - the gift of appreciation.  While at times it can be hard to live in the moment, to keep the small stuff in perspective, whenever I catch my brain going down a negative path I feel a little tug at my heart.  I feel you.  While it's getting harder and harder to remember your scent, the feel of your tight Peanut hugs, the softness of your blonde curls, it is still so easy to tap into the love you brought to my heart.  Because, it's still there and growing each and every day.

Peanut, as we enter 2014 Momma resolves to continue to appreciate the small moments.  And to hopefully give and share the gift of appreciation with others.  Because that is how we honor you and make you proud.

I love you Peanut.  I miss you so very much.  How much?  Silly boy, to the moon - and back!

- Momma

The picture of Peanut we used on the New Year's cards.
I took this the day we went to visit Santa.  Look at all those teeth!

This year's Peanut Tree - we almost need a bigger tree!

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