Friday, February 22, 2013

Living On Borrowed Time

Peanut -

The last three weeks have been nerve-wracking as your little brother has battled through a persistent ear infection and spiking fevers, despite being in good spirits.  So much like you in January of 2011.  Momma has been spiraling downward, and just hasn't had the heart or will to write a letter.

I feel like we are living on borrowed time.  Momma is convinced The Pickle will not live past 16.5 months.  Quite frankly, I'm not sure how to handle life past 16.5 months.  You were my first child.  My baby.  I was learning along the way with you.  With The Pickle - so far - it's been familiar. But...what happens when it is no longer familiar?

The persistent ear infections and fevers have also led to a question.  Is there a lesson we haven't learned?  Work and the pressures of life should NOT trump the health and safety of our children.  Is there a point when we need to really, truly examine what we need vs. what we want?  Probably.  No, not just probably.  Yes.

Peanut, I wish I could have given you more of myself.  More time.  More care.  I think back to the mornings when we woke you up simply to get you out the door to daycare.  I think about the accelerated timeline school put you - and now The Pickle - on to move to one nap a day.  It was at that point that you - and now The Pickle - started getting sooooooo sick.

Momma will learn this lesson.  We will protect The Pickle.  And we will know every single day this is another part of your amazing Peanut Effect.

Peanut, Momma has been crying for you every day for the last few weeks.  Please, know it is because I love you so very much.  As you and you brother begin to collide in my brain, so many memories and emotions are re-awakend.

<sigh>  I miss you so much.  Feeling very alone in my grief lately, which is part of why I haven't had the energy to post a letter.  I promise...I'll do better moving forward.

I love you, sweetamazingawesomewonderful Peanut.  How much?  To the moon - and back!

Peanut at almost 14 months...close to where The Pickle is today.

1 comment:

  1. My prayers are with you and your family. Wishing The Pickle a speedy recovery and excellent health in the future. Continue to stay strong. Your angel Peanut is watching over you.