Last night Dadda and I were marveling over your little brother's eyes. The evening sun was streaming through the windows and we noticed how sharp, vibrant, and intensely blue they have turned in the last month. They have morphed from a deep navy to electric, tropical ocean blue. The kind of blue you want to dive into. The kind of blue that dances. The kind of blue that reminds Momma of you.
Peanut, your eyes were the most true, honest shade of blue I've ever experienced. When I would gaze into your eyes I saw the future. Endless possibilities. I saw your spark, your humor, your intelligence all shine through those eyes.
I never could have imagined that flame being extinguished so soon. I never could have imagined looking into those eyes after you went to heaven and just knowing. Feeling in my heart what my brain couldn't process. You were gone.
As I watch your brother grow into his own funny little person, I can't help but replay these same moments and milestones with you. In that moment of evening sunshine, looking into his bottomless blue eyes, the loss of you crushed my heart. Every ounce of love and grief crashed down on Momma's shoulders and echoed in my brain, my soul. How can you be gone? How could my amazing, alive, razor-sharp Peanut be gone?
We have children because we believe in the future. We have children because we want to share our love, our lives. We have children always believing they will outlive us. We have children because we hope.
To lose a child is unthinkable. To have lost my Peanut is truly unbelievable...unimaginable. I hear myself wondering, "Did this really happen?"
I look back over the last 17 months and am shocked to realize...we survived. We are still here. We have welcomed The Pickle and are blessed to have his joy, his smile. Through him we have been able to relive and rediscover the joy of you, our Peanut.
Sometimes the parallel experiences are confusing, jarring. More often, though, they are truly delightful. Because, I feel you in those moments.
Peanut, with every day that passes I miss you more. And, I love you more. How much? To the mooooooooooooooon and back!
|Peanut's 6-month photos. Oh...those blue peepers!|
|Pickle's 5-month photo. Turning bluer by the day.|